Colony In Space: Doctor Who: Season 8

Goldby

Grob

Long

Colony In Space REVIEWS



Goldby

Here's one that should have been consigned to the boring bin, would swap Colony in Space for a colour version of Mind Of Evil that's for sure.

In fact in colour is the only thing going for it. Colony In Space starts well, showing the Time Lords being all pissed off on Gallifrey that the Master has nicked some of their files. Then gets even better when they actually manipulate the Tardis and the Doctor & Jo are off on his very first journey through time and space in two years! Then it just becomes boring. Boring South England gravel and mud pits, boring colonists, boring IMC guards with the orange sticky tape on their plastic helmets and boring aliens, wearing clearly plastic heads and unconvincing psychedelic tights for skin. And their leader is a withered and unconvincing puppet!

To top this off Colony in space is so boring not even the Master could be bothered turning up for the first three episodes. When he does he's trying to think of a way out of the story quickly. The IMC guards deserve a mention only because of their gay haircuts and the fact that they can get such a slow moving, badly designed robot to kill off colonists which shows you how stupid these colonists are. With all the capture, escape and pointless gun battles that went on made it hard to sleep through this story.

The only good bits I remember are we finally see the inside of the Master's Tardis and the Master's proposition to the Doctor to rule the Universe with him once they have control of the Doomsday Weapon. This is what's on the Target novelization Grob? Hmmmm it's a much better title than what they came up with on screen.

Apart from that - NAFF 3/10.



Grob

Colony in space....God another turgid six parter Pertwee. In a quarry. With some bland human beings. And stereotypical nasty miners. And a bastard commander. Plus some one-dimensional primitive aliens. Plus an alien god that looks like Flip Brudnell. Oh, and finally, the bloody Master. Again. 1/10 - that's me done. See ya!

Okay Tim I'll write a proper one! here's the Colony in space in a few paragraphs:- The Time Lords want the Doctor to bugger off to the planet Urethra cos the Master has stolen the plans for the Doomsday Weapon. So after giving Jo a quick squeeze on the boobies, into the Tardis they go and its off to one of South England's finest quarries. I go either way when it comes to these bloody alien planets that are filmed on quarry scenes. In some stories (Genesis of the Daleks for example) they look really good. In other stories (like this one) they look crap. And they look even worse when a supposedly alien planet has tyre marks of heavy duty machinery tracked through them!

Anyway, its another feel of Jo's titties and we're out of the Tardis and straight into Earth colony HQ. God, the stereotypes on offer here! There's the slightly-in-over-his-head-but-still-determined-to-lead colonist leader, then there is his dancing-about-on-four-cylinders second in command, and - more importantly - his very rootable daughter. I'd do her right now. Straight after I finished with Zoe and Liz. And Peri. And that black actress from The Long Game. Now, somehow some colonists get killed by a robot last seen on Lost in Space. Everyone thinks its a badly constructed CSO scene featuring a lizard but the Doctor knows better. A quick boobies squeeze with Jo again and he's deducted it could be something else. A robot no less. And most likely from Lost in Space.

Meanwhile the miners land on the planet to dust everyone up a bit and tell everyone to fuck off and go colonize somewhere else in the same way Australia got started. Nobody leaves and everyone gets hot under the collar. Someone suggests that they should get an adjudicator to sort it out so the colonist leader calls the Victorian Drama League and the adjudicator arrives. Yes; its that highly untalented and brainless dickhead Jill Watson! Unfortunately we aren't allowed to mention that she used to be a bit on an alcoholic so we better say that it is in fact the BLOODY MASTER once a-fucking-gain and everyone lets out a yawn like they didn't see THAT coming and its once more a quick boobies-squeeze and the Doctor and Jill Wa- sorry; THE MASTER head on down through the caves.

To cut a long story short (and I wish the script editing department had) we encounter some daft looking aliens wearing the latest in green (or "gween" if you're Terrance Dicks) body suits (so as not to show the tackle department). And we see some other aliens that look like chipmunks and then the final alien and - lo and behold! - its Flip Brudnell on the planet Urethra!!!! In the end, the Master's plan backfires (I didn't see THAT coming) and he has to team up with the Doctor (wow, there's character development) to get himself out of trouble (wow, that's writing). Then the Master escapes (gee I hope we see him real soon) and the Doctor gives Jo's boob one more squeeze and its back to UNIT HQ for tea and whatever booze is left over that Jill Watson didn't chuck down her gullet. Sorry; I'm not allowed to mention that. But lets rewind the review a little bit and see what it would be like if the Adjudicator had turned out to be someone else...

...Someone suggests that they should get an adjudicator to sort it out so the colonist leader calls the Victorian Drama League and the adjudicator arrives. Yes; its that bald-headed arrogant wanker Richard Keown!! Sporting the latest in seventies attire, a haircut fresh out of Monk School and breath that hasn't seen mouthwash in twenty years, Richard strides into the scene with a copy of Boy Gets Girl saying that only HE is allowed to direct it and he has written proof from the play's author. Neither the colonists or the Doctor believe this piece of shite and a phone call to the play's author confirms that Richard IS a lying prat and so he departs the planet with his head up his arse. Okay, I've said my piece now. Cool review hey? But I'm still giving Colony In Space 1/10. Its a Pertwee 6 parter - they are ALWAYS dull. Well, most of them. I wonder what's next? Oh crap. Its the highly overrated Daemons!!!!

TWO PIECES OF TRIVIA ABOUT COLONOSCOPY IN SPACE:1. Colonel Dent (the head of IMC) was originally to be played by a woman. Her costume consisted of those kinky PVC thigh high boots that I wanted Liz to wear in Speaking In Tongues. 2. The novelization of Colony In Space (called "The Doomsday Weapon") is much much better and is one of the best Dr Who books that Target put out.



Long

Yeah... it's a pity that Colony In Space is so boring. It actually starts off OK - adding to the whole Gallifrey story plus getting the ability to travel in space again makes you think we're in for something good here, as does the promise of a "Doomsday Weapon"... even the pacing of part 1 seems pretty good - OK, it's a quarry, but what are they gonna do? Go to another planet?

But then they start talking about crops not growing.

And then the Doctor gets attacked by that weird robot with a claw thing.

And then the dozing starts.

Bits of Colony in space still work I guess - I mean it was more obvious than um... something that's really obvious that the adjudicator was going to be the Master, but the story does pick up a little bit there, and the cliff hanger where the Doctor and Jo collapse in the Master's TARDIS is pretty good... but the planet being ruled by sock puppet straight out of Punch and Judy was just laughable... and by that stage the thing had become so long and convoluted that, sorry, but nobody's going to buy that.

The Doomsday Weapon story itself isn't that bad... they could have made an interesting 2 or 3 parter just with that and it could have been good - but in the end we got a lot of padded out dullness... pity...

3.5/10

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